On feeling lonely...

It seems as though I've been complaining for so long about a being lonely. It reaches far beyond feeling lonely--it's reached the point of feeling alone. It's funny to feel alone in a place where so many people tell me I am loved and cared for. I am constantly trying to find what God is teaching me though this. Is he teaching me to rely in him fully? I am trying so hard. I honestly don't know what that would even mean in my life. I desire so much to do that. Just to give him everything--my whole heart. I pray that he would teach me what that means. Teach me how to give everything over to him. That's really all I want. I want to know in my heart of hearts that I am fiercely loved by my king. I know it in my head and I truly believe it, but I don't remember the last time I felt it. I'm so struggling to find esperanza en la oscuridad.

Worth in Something More

I have a very wise woman in my life who is always saying, "Act your worth."  Generally it's followed by some sort of pep talk and reassurance that she will love me no matter what way I choose to act.  Here's the difficult part about that phrase though--how do you act your worth when you feel like you're worth nothing?  How do you find the worth that God intended you to have when you can't see it at all?  I have no idea what the answer to this question is.  All I know is that it is an uphill battle.  It is something that requires you to fight each and every day.  Fight to find your worth.  Fight the enemy to remove the lies.  Fight to be with Jesus.  Fight for your worth.  Then, and only then, is it possible to act your worth.

Another rant against Americans by an American

I am a newly converted Starbucks addict.  Now, in reality, I hate coffee no matter where it's from, but I love hanging out in coffee shops.  There's just something about the environment that I really enjoy.  Up until a few weeks ago, however, I had this irrational disdain for Starbucks.
1.  It smells like coffee.
I know this sounds ridiculous, but most other coffee shops I go to do not smell like coffee.  
2.  Everything has a weird name.
Frappuccino?  Really?  Call it a smoothie people. 
3.  The sizes are absurd.
Don't look at me confused when I ask you for a medium.  I refuse to use cutesy names like tall and venti.  And PS, there is nothing tall about a 12 oz drink.
4.  They are pretentious.
My friend's order alone explains this: Venti caramel frappuccino with soy milk, extra shot, light whip, double blended.  Are you kidding me?  Double-flippin blended?  Deal with the ice chunks.  I was listening to him explain to me how much of a pain it is to remove the ice chunks from the straw and it was ridiculous.  And seriously, it's not as though my friend is a poodle.  Everyone from Starbucks orders like this.  


I've had several conversations with foreigners about American tourists.  They say we are rude, pretentious, and high maintenance.  We're not just like that as tourists.  We're always like that.  Why do we care this much?  Anyone in a position of customer service can tell you that most American's feel entitled to be this way.  Giving me money does not give you an excuse to be an ass.  Giving me money doesn't negate the need for a please.  Being rich does not excuse you from a tip.  We are taught from a young age that America is the best place on earth, but clearly we aren't the greatest people.  There is nothing great about pretension.

Daddy, am I beautiful?

The past two summers, I nannied for my youth minister's girls.  They are now 5 and 7 and I love them more deeply than I could ever express.  Maggie, the 5 year old, and I have always had a unique relationship.  Up until about 4 months ago, Mags was always back and forth on whether or not she liked me.  We're best buds now.  I love every little bit of her.  Maggie's smile has the power to turn my day around no matter what.  

My youth minister has told me this story several times now.  Maggie keeps a cute little a-line stack that's super chic, but can't be put in a ponytail.  She has fabulous hair.  Her hair is super fine, but it gets really static-y, especially in the winter.  One morning she woke up and her hair was crazy as usual.  Her parents were joking about how messy her hair was.  At first she laughed, but then withdrew.  She showed that raw emotion that is only possible with someone her age.  She was immediately scooped up in her mama's arms and everything was made better.  Her hair was tamed and went on with her normal routine.  When her dad dropped her off at preschool, her hair had once again become unruly.  As he was placing her coat and backpack on the hooks, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her doing her best to tame her hair by herself.  He turned to her and Maggie said to him, "Daddy, am I beautiful?"

With a big-daddy bear hug he says, "Maggie, of course you are beautiful."  She had a huge smile across her face and hugged him back.  Her daddy made everything better with a hug and a reassurance that she is the most beautiful girl in the whole world.  

This story breaks my heart every time.  Not only because she didn't think she was beautiful in that moment--but because I know that won't last forever.  My heart aches for the day when her daddy telling her she's beautiful won't work anymore.  I fear the day that she believes she isn't worth anything and couldn't be convinced any differently.  My heart breaks because I know that one day she won't believe the truth.

Isn't that the way our heavenly father feels about us?  I don't know a single woman who doesn't question her beauty and worth.  God wants nothing more than for us to ask him if we are beautiful.  He wants nothing more than to tell us we are beautiful and loved.  It breaks God's heart when we convince ourselves that we are worth less than we think we are.  

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. 

1 Peter 3:3-5

Spending your life's savings at Hippopotamus

I work in a call center in which we detect fraud on peoples credit/debit cards and then call them to verify the activity.  About 25% of the calls result in actual confirmed fraud.  Of those confirmed fraud, at least 25% of those go a little like this:

Me: Did you charge $525.42 at the fish market in Guatemala?
Caller: No!  I'm from the great state of Texas!  I eat beef.
Me: Well then because there's fraud on it, I will need to report your card stolen and get it shut down for you.  Can I verify your current mailing address?
Caller: Wait!  You can't shut my card down!  Don't shut it down!  I use my card every day, I won't have any more money!
Me: Umm, hello stupid, they're stealing your money.  Do you understand that?  You can probably live without your debit card for a week.
Caller:  I don't care--you just can't shut my card down!
Me: Well then how do you want me to get them to stop stealing your money?  Should I call them up and ask them nicely?
Caller:  I'll just pay for it.  Just don't shut my card down.

or

(my favorite)
Me: Did you charge $0.67 with Hipermás in Costa Rica last Tuesday?
Caller: No?  Costa what?  Is that in South Carolina?
Me: No, sir, that's in Central America.  It's like America, but Central.
(I'll buy you a cookie if you can tell me what movie that's from)
Caller: Well I've never been there!  Who would steal my card number?
Me: You know, sir, there are a variety of ways that people can get ahold of your card number.  Because there is fraud on it, however, I will need to report it stolen and get it shut down.
Caller: No!  Don't shut my card down!  It's only 67 cents, I'll just pay it.
Me: Yo, dummy!  What?!  Do you think some criminals are just less greedy than others?  Do you think they're stopping at 67 cents?  No, you fool!  They're making sure it's a legitimate card number.  Guess what!  They found out it was.  Now they're going to take your entire life savings.  Can I shut the card down now?
Caller: You know what?  No, I actually was in Costa Rica.  You said that was in Africa?  Yeah, I was there.  Completely forgot about it.  That was me at Hippopotamus.  I charged the 89 cents.


At what point are we this obsessed with convenience that we would rather continue allowing people to steal from us?  Seriously?

Being able to laugh at customers is just one more little way of finding hope in the darkness that is my job.

Welcome to the Blogosphere

The idea of blogging terrifies me, yet somehow excites me greatly.  Writing has never been something that I've been able to do without being completely overdramatic.  I seek simply to tell about my journey in finding hope in the darkness.  I wish I could tell you a beautiful, poetic story involving a huge obstacle that I overcame in a way no one ever expected, but that isn't me.  There have been many ugly moments in my life.  Broken shards of glass that were eventually pieced back together in a way that shines light.

Kelle Hampton does a good job of summing up my journey in this quote, "I have arrived at a very beautiful place of life is hard, but it's also amazing, and I will rock it."

So here I am, finding esperanza en la oscuridad, rocking each day one at a time.